I’ve been going through some “stuff” lately. “Stuff” that was very stubborn to go through and dispose of, to get out of my mind, like trash in the kitchen. Besides being super-sensitive on a variety of levels, which is not always a good thing, I suddenly found myself with many (many) hours alone to think. (Thinking too much for sensitive people can be a problem, it’s like cooking too much food, it’s excess in a negative light)
In actual truth, all the “stuff” I’ve been going through has been attended to. It’s all taken care of, and it’s all good. But my stubborn mind, like some sort of computer with a virus, didn’t want to realize or accept this.
Until last night.
I needed to put this bothersome “stuff” to rest before it infiltrated and damaged other areas of my life. I also just plain didn’t like the way it made me feel, all these thoughts about all this non-existent “stuff”. Spontaneously, without thinking, I whispered, “Mom, can you help me?”
And she did.
I must have dozed off after this. Because the next time I opened my eyes, she was standing by the bed bending over me. Her face was just above mine, and she had this devilish twinkle in her eye. She raised a finger and pointed at me for emphasis, and she said, “Remember Diane”.
And I did.
I must have closed my eyes again in this dream within a dream. Memories of my mother and conversations we had about Diane, along with details, emotions, and moments came flooding back. It was something only significant to my mother, and it was my role then to help her see things clearly and put it all in perspective.
This time our roles were reversed.
She talked about a lot of other things too. How sometimes you have to take a leap of faith and jump off the cliff because you know that there is someone at the bottom who is solid and good and honest and too-wonderful-for-words, and they will catch you.
She talked about how nothing can grow and thrive without trust, and that learning to trust someone is like a leap of faith, just like jumping off that cliff. You’ll just know in a weird unexplainable way that they will catch you and safeguard your heart and soul, because they are who they are.
This morning the air seems clearer, the sun brighter, the shadows gone.
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